Saturday, July 09, 2005

DECAF POOPACINO HAPPENS (Or: I couldn't resist, again)


I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money
for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive

And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty
coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers,
every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go
to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup on my way to
catch a plane. These consumers are always ordering mutant beverages
with names like ''mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette lattespressacino,''
beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and complex
process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy
products and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor.

Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those
of us who just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will
start working and we can remember what our full names are and why we
are catching an airplane. We want to strike the lattespressacino
people with our carry-on baggage and scream ''GET OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU
TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!'' But of course we couldn't
do anything that active until we've had our coffee.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine
medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently
view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of
thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious
heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate
waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a
hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.

The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which
makes us alert. Of course it is very important to remember that
caffeine is a drug, and, like any drug, it is a lot of fun.

No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have
serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first
noticed in ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to
be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very
strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids.

I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a
''cub'' reporter for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had
to stay awake while writing phenomenally boring stories about
municipal government. I got my coffee from a vending machine that also
sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three liquids squirted
out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But I came
to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before
I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward , either;
that's why I'm a columnist.)

But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I
say this in light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo
Bishop. He sent me an invitation he received from a local company to a
''private tasting of the highly prized Luwak coffee,'' which ''at $300
a pound . . . is one of the most expensive drinks in the world.'' The
invitation states that this coffee is named for the luwak, a ''member
of the weasel family'' that lives on the Island of Java and eats
coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a ''natural
fermentation'' takes place, and the berry seeds -- the coffee beans --
come out of the luwak intact. The beans are then gathered, washed,
roasted and sold to coffee connoisseurs.

The invitation states: ''We wish to pass along this once in a lifetime
opportunity to taste such a rarity.''

Or, as Bo Bishop put it: ''They're selling processed weasel doodoo for
$300 a pound.''

I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee
craze. Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know
because I bought some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I
paid $37.50 for two ounces of beans. I was expecting the beans to look
exotic, considering where they'd been, but they looked like regular
coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid that they were just
regular beans, and that I was being ripped off.

Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people
might be ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out
by a weasel?

So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some.
You know how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about something,
but then you finally try it, you discover that it's really good, way
better than you would have thought possible? This is not the case with
Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my opinion, tastes like somebody washed
a dead cat in it.

But I predict it's going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive.
One of these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee
place are going to be ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of
switching to heroin.


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